Let’s talk about February. It started with my mind a flood of thoughts about work, home, relationships and well, life in general to be honest. I felt a little bit lost, but – you might want to grab a chair for this – just as I thought I was reaching an all time low, my life picked up. I started to feel like progress was being made. Shocking, I know.
Work life seems to be fully coming together, I am moving forward and leaving plenty behind in favour of the bigger picture. Things just seem to have clicked. I feel confident that it is a good place to be in right no. It hasn’t necessarily been a consistent feeling, but now at the beginning of March I can confirm that I am in a happy place with work. Ultimately, there are other things I would like to do in life, but right now I am putting my all in to what I do. The future is unpredictable and very much in theme with last month’s mood I have decided that instead of fearing what is to come, to embrace the excitement of this and enjoy whatever it is around the corner.
On another note, I have missed home a little bit. Well. I say home, I mean family. I want to be there for more things. However, there is of course only so much time you can take off. This is a contributing factor to the consideration of my future in work, especially as I have to make totally new plans for Christmas this year. It’s a little scary but maybe it will encourage me to build more relationships in Southampton, and – I’m going to use that word again – embrace a change in tradition, even if it means not seeing family on Christmas Day. I did make my choices after all, I guess I ought to take more control of them instead of putting the blame elsewhere.
The thing is, one moment I feel one way about life, the next I feel entirely different about it. One day I take ownership of my actions, another day I look for others to blame. I’ll be full of positivity and then before you know it I’m drowning in negativity again. Sometimes it only takes a minute to change.
It is as if my outlook on life is riding a see-saw. I can never quite make up my mind about how life is going and whether I am getting the most of it, but what I do know is that I want to take every opportunity I get to enjoy those moments of joy wholeheartedly. I mean I spent a night in London to celebrate a mate’s birthday, despite not actually being entirely sure when it was I had last seen them. The point is that as soon as I was invited I had to book that weekend off. I had to stay overnight to make the most of it. I did everything I could and it was absolutely a highlight of the month, even if my memory of the latter half of the night is a little shaky. I tell you what I do remember though, a 20 min walk to the Airbnb turning into an hour long walk, all while I was desperate to pee. That will sober you up. Fast. Still, positive energy. A great night out, with a lovely crowd. What’s not to love?
I guess I need to look at maintaining positivity, rather than worrying about returning to negativity, as if it is my natural state. Does that make sense? I guess I mean I’m spending too much time concerned that I’ll feel down again that I can barely enjoy the moment in hand. Thinking too much about keeping myself out of a slump rather than feeling hopeful that I can continue feeling good in myself.
That night in London inspired me though. To reach out more. Not only to old friends, but to make new ones. Life is too short to only focus on a small group, why not expand. I have a few pals in Southampton, but I either work (or have worked) with a lot of them or know them from uni, and it’s not that these aren’t fulfilling, I just crave another type of friendship. That night also inspired me to just go with the flow on occasions where I may have put my guard up, instead saying that what will be, will be. Ignore the fear of being judged and all the over thinking, just be yourself and do what comes natural.
I have definitely learnt a lot about myself this month, and while I’m not about to divulge that information fully online, I’m really enjoying myself with this new outlook on life. It isn’t all rosy, but I’m slowly learning how to jump back in. Today I’m feeling a little more motivated about my writing, with plans to write more music features, making the most out of all the PR contacts I have, even those that date back to the uni project days. Ages ago I mentioned a music project I wanted to work on and honestly, that’s just not something I’m interested in right now. Instead of catching up on ‘historic’ moments I’m much more focused on what’s going on right now. Sure, that may involve a bit of research into certain artists’ previous work but my point is this, just because you said you would do something, doesn’t mean you are locked into doing just that. I have just this moment decided that my current mantra is as follows:
life is fluid
A lot of my down days have centered on feeling trapped and out of control, but the more I remind myself that this is not the case, that I can pretty much do whatever I set out to do, the better I feel. Feelings happen, learn from them, move on, experience new feelings.
I realise these monthly posts are turning into my own therapeutic self help features rather than casual streams of consciousness of the last month. Maybe next month I’ll go back to telling you plain and simple what I got up to, but for now I have a lot to get out of my head. Maybe I’ll transfer this over to a personal journal, but hey sharing is caring, and for now I feel good about telling you, after all, if you’re still reading now, I can’t feel too bad about it.
Either way, I’m excited for the rest of March, not only for what I have planned (uhhh…seeing GAMBINO!), but also for what else I can learn. Catch ya in a month for another seriously unnecessary update on my incredibly average life.
x
SAMANTHA MAE 